The ocean. La Mer. The mother. The unconscious. Part of what drives us to do things that we don’t rationally decide.
I’d had a hint that my lifestyle wasn’t serving me. I was so serious about making my parents proud of me. When I quit college I spent years not caring yet at times also feeling bad about not showing that I could succeed when the going gets rough. But I don’t like to swim in rocky waters anyway. There are so many confusing life forms in my subconscious that draw my attention, so stress on top of that is no fun. I even used to want to be a psychologist but am glad I didn’t devote too much time and energy into this soft science. In fact, maybe I spent too much time reading psychology and working on describing my nebulous emotional states. Being nebulous is a bad compliment to this dreamy pisces. So when I got in the water yesterday to snorkel at the marina I felt cut down to size. No longer was I using the ocean as a metaphor for my internal landscape, I was actually in the ocean, looking at physical life in there. My thoughts and theories on the soul vanished into uselessness and in its place was a factual landscape to observe with my physical eyes, a playground to explore. No longer was I reading about possible infantile traumas that could explode up in my psyche. I was witnessing my physical being right next to a manatee. I large ancient looking mini whale that I was told is like a puppy. I was witnessing my bravery in delving into waters I have actually not explored yet with lifeforms I have not actually been next and know little about. I wasn’t sitting in an office with a therapist “bravely” diving into my pain. I was swimming next an actual shark. I was doing the stuff that impresses not just draws me in out of sympathy. Living in Puerto Rico and having access to the marina here is helping to actualize my dreams. It’s scary and satisfying, and most importantly - it’s very real. Much more real than the washed over LaLa land (Los Angeles) that I came from.
XO,
Asya
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