I've been through so so so much here.
I wake up at 5 am with the sun. I have no door and I hear the ocean. I love this love of Puerto Rico. The love of nature permeates the people here. More than most yoga classes and spiritual talks - this connections to the sun and the land is what has felt the most unifying and feeling of "oneness" that many of the spiritual teachers talk about.
Going to sleep at 10 helps me feel like I don't have to control it all. Then this brings into question: what am I really learning, where is there to get to? Maybe there is nowhere to go. The most upfliting immediate experience for me has been the essential oils. They smell so GOOD!
They uplift my emotions. I massage myself with a mix of oils in a coconut oil base. It's call abhyanga. I also have been doing a breast massage this past week. It feels really good. I love warm loving touch. I've had a column (it's like ayurveda's version of a colonic but with teas and no pressure) - the stuff comes out natural. It amazed me what's inside of me. Then oil is inserted. I thought it was amazing. I love opening my mind to the mystery of who I am but it's so much pressure to think I will be guiding other people to health. I don't know so much and I almost wish I could document each specific moment so that people can validate that yes I'm really having theses experiences. That's what brings me back to having a twin sister - Light said "a lesson to learn that although twins are born together, they have separate life paths" - Do I believe this? what does it mean? When I walk the beach sunrise or sunset I know I am better of for. Subtle new experiences expand my mind. Like eye exercises in yoga - I realize I've been looking at the world with mostly a set parameter of eye movements - when I change that I actually see that I am much more/less/unique than I "thought" I was. Is this spiritual opening or random concepts that are being jumbled in my head? Yoga says a mind full of thoughts means there is dis-ease. That's scary. But then to know the mind, observe nature- Well now I am making time to observe nature and what a mind blowing mystery.
Am I looking for a support team? What is my truth? I don't think it's an easy answer, it's probably an art of understanding. I love my life because I I was born from blood and bones. Come dance with me in puerto rico- I rented a new apartment right off the beach. It's a 3 bedroom for $550 a month. I'm nervous to live alone but i'm more nervous to have a set idea of what happiness needs to look like.
Blessings!
Call me, talk to me. This is a time of celebration and reflections.
I've experienced fire dances, tinctures that calm me, food that's better than I've ever tasted, new friends who a reliving beautiful gifts from new people I met, ancient healing treatments, and my mind getting blown and calmed. It's hard growing up with few people to listen to my deep needs or questions - or to nurture me physically. It's not getting much easier here. I feel like I am pushing huge walls that won't budge. I refuse to have a nervous breakdown based on the fact that support is limited, so show me that it's not! I've been working intensely hard to follow that ideal "we create our realities" - i've worked very hard with positive thinking, mantras, kindness, gratitude, nature time, life coaching apps, journaling, regulating my day, self-discipline, looking within for the answers, not judging, trusting the process of life -- all of it and it's damn hard to look back in a realize there is no one here to say "Asya I'm here to nourish you unconditionally." I'm really tired actually - I grew up with a lot of tv and junk - to turn it around so much is a difficult process and I don't even know what to think when my own family is going each their separate ways and pretending that's ok. It's like I'm turning the old feeling of not being able to speak as child" into a spiritual ideal of "only speak authentically and respect your elders". These feelings are uncomfortable and ayurveda comes from a very different culture that I didn't grow up in. It's weird that my family is so disconnected - it's weird that I feel like a feather in the wind and nobody seems to mind. What's the deal? I didn't sign up for this. We really do need to help each other -so if you ask: "please help me" or I'm reaching out and saying "help me in this transition" there is something similar to it. I find I take a backseat to other peoples' needs a lot.. because I remind myself that everyone is fighting their own battle. But that doesn't mean I agree to be battled with - where is the perfect mommy when I need one? Where is the supportive always there, protective brother? Where is the perfect twin sister that lives as if we are a team? Where's my healthy dad that inspires me and gives me courage. So I can make brave and wise choices, not foolhardy ones. it's upsetting. Yes the ocean is beautiful but the ocean can kill me too... I've been trying o hard I think at the core to just make "mommy love me." And It turns out to be a joke - living by ideals... I'm in a very unique situation where I do feel like I have no voice and it's killing me on the inside. I do understand that people should be sensitive with each other - but does that mean facing the void all alone? Sometimes I am just so incredulous at how I could be treated the way I have been throughout the years.when of course my desire was to be a perfect daughter, sister, etc. I could die any second in this new island and my family decides to vacation in Hawaii instead of come visit me in a place that is just as beautiful. It's crazy. In person I am super gentle - but writing is something that I feel more free in - still - can you imagine being shut down for so long? I'm tired of being woo-woo about "everything will heal naturally". Where is the love? Do I need to entice people with crazy beautiful things to get them to notice me? it's so weird! I don't have a conclusion right now but a call for nourishment. Russians have suffered a whole fucking lot so now the parents make the children continue to suffer? it's ridiculous. Stop the cycle! This whole "american dream" thing is getting annoying, look who's president. This depression I grew up in should not be excused anymore - every moment is a choice to be helpful to a daughter, a sister, etc no matter what you think your background is. Most people call Russians crazy and I'm not going to deny that... the family values are messed up and there's more pain than nourishment. That is what spirituality is - reaching out even when the patterning wasn't there. That's what I've been trying to do - be kind and understand kindness to be nicer to the people around me - but the depletion shows --- I'm barely Russian though - i grew up in america - Come visit and help me move in! Seriously. Take care of me. Trump all worries with the majesty of the ocean. (818) 667-6929
I love you!
Asya
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