day dreaming

blurring daydreams and reality

I am a writing teacher. I have written countless books and can nuance the moment, in each moment. I have been able to pay my way through life for a decade now. I am like a therapist who’s closing shop. no longer being in the helping position but now receiving help. Or trying to accept help and take the advice. Dreaming that I never had a difficult time of it. "It" being money and such.

Making it

Making the whatever "it" is in Los Angeles.
Making it.
Making dreams come true.
My dreams don't really follow a logic so trying to use logic to follow them is proving tough.
It's hard here for me, it takes a lot to get through self doubt
this slow sneaky sleepy depression that comes over me every once in a while.

I miss Rincon, Puerto Rico
 I miss the warm ocean
   I miss the warm air
I miss so much about feeling free.
Though I wasn't actually financially free, and that's what I'm working on now
Trying to have as much fun with this venture of money making as I did with the "moving to an island" enjoyment

Peace out,
Asya

Seeking a career continued

Today I drove too much. Four hours before evening is a long time in my mind. Meanwhile so little is actually getting done. I come back to my apartment where my inspiring roommates are  enjoying their lives. One of them is editing a show. Another one is on a picnic with her boyfriend. Me? I am so fuzzy that I just want to rest. I'm listening to "Blinkist." It's an app that sums up non-fiction books in twelve minutes. Right now I'm listening to "The Power of the Subconscious mind." "Be happy for those who are successful around you, it will signal to your subconscious mind that you deserve better too." Luckily there is no lack of fortune for those close to me.
"Your subconscious can guide you in your sleep" - okay it's time to take a nap.

So About Last Night

Last night I got off my lazy butt and went to an art show with my hot buddy Tedd!
How do I reconcile wanting to be an Oprah, a Madonna, with one night at an art show being the highlight of my week?
I ask God, I ask my higher power what is going on, and the high power tells me I am still healing from a lot of trauma. To be ambitious as a trained buddhist... it's a struggle.






The art was inspiration. This woman Alexa Meade has been working on her craft for years and has come up with something spectacular. She paints real life to make it look like a painting.

It's humbling to see pure genuine talent and perseverance. It helps me reflect and ask myself, what talents have I been suppressing and what am I expecting of life if I'm not putting the effort and energy in? I shouldn't expect anything. Writing an blogging are my passion so I will continue that.
Please comment!

Peace out!
Asya

ACUPUNCTURE

I went to an acupuncturist today and she said that I need to eat more, that I'm anemic. I need to eat more and exercise more. So I went to Tribal Cafe in downtown and got a nutrient dense smoothie. Drank it up. Then ate some of the thai veggie bowl from there, I want to save some for after class.

YOGA!
I looked for a yoga class at yoga works and found one my friend Sara is teaching.  She is a devoted yogi and I'm looking forward to her class tonight.

WANTING
Wanting to adult - I want to have a career that I get good money for. I've been playing with the higher power concept  - that Higher Intelligence has a plan for me and I need just to follow it. TO listen for guidance and follow the guidance. How do I listen? I feel for the tingles along the sides of my head that turn into a smile on my face fill my wellbeing - like the satisfaction of good sex. I wonder if the sex part of the brain is super connected to religious part of the brain. I bet it is. /so I feel for all that and listen to what the next steps are for me. Like tonight - take it mellow- don't get too much in my new roommate's way. Go to a yoga class. Sara will probably be busy after. Come home and rest up for the Women's March tomorrow in Downtown. Seek opportunities for writing and improv but don't believe in the impossible. Don't believe in Religion, realize human are animals too. Blog. Blog and take the power, piece by piece into my own hands - power is satisfying - take steps away from believing in the "Good parent" because my parents weren't so good at parentings and into the self empowerment.

RICO:
Sweet loving dog of mine.

PEACE OUT!
Asya

Back in LA LA Land.

Well, it's been over three months now that I've been back in Los Angeles from living in Puerto Rico.

I've gone from this:

to this:

and that is to say: I'm not liking what I'm seeing.
LA seems to be about knowing your tribe, your career, and your fave spots. I don't have any of these anchored down and there's too many influences, too many people, too much traffic to not be anchored down. To top that off, there's the hippy vibe of "just think peaceful thoughts" which I bought into for years, and which helped get me into this mess of  personality.  In LA you either own it, or you're a servant.

Getting real in Puerto Rico

The ocean. La Mer. The mother. The unconscious. Part of what drives us to do things that we don’t rationally decide. 

I’d had a hint that my lifestyle wasn’t serving me. I was so serious about making my parents proud of me. When I quit college I spent years not caring yet at times also feeling bad about not showing that I could succeed when the going gets rough. But I don’t like to swim in rocky waters anyway. There are so many confusing life forms in my subconscious that draw my attention, so stress on top of that is no fun. I even used to want to be a psychologist but am glad I didn’t devote too much time and energy into this soft science. In fact, maybe I spent too much time reading psychology and working on describing my nebulous emotional states. Being nebulous is a bad compliment to this dreamy pisces. So when I got in the water yesterday to snorkel at the marina I felt cut down to size. No longer was I using the ocean as a metaphor for my internal landscape, I was actually in the ocean, looking at physical life in there. My thoughts and theories on the soul vanished into uselessness and in its place was a factual landscape to observe with my physical eyes, a playground to explore. No longer was I reading about possible infantile traumas that could explode up in my psyche. I was witnessing my physical being right next to a manatee. I large ancient looking mini whale that I was told is like a puppy. I was witnessing my bravery in delving into waters I have actually not explored yet with lifeforms I have not actually been next and know little about. I wasn’t sitting in an office with a therapist “bravely” diving into my pain. I was swimming next an actual shark. I was doing the stuff that impresses not just draws me in out of sympathy. Living in Puerto Rico and having access to the marina here is helping to actualize my dreams. It’s scary and satisfying, and most importantly - it’s very real. Much more real than the washed over LaLa land (Los Angeles) that I came from.

XO,

Asya